Can you hear me now?

I've got hearing trouble.
 Now, I'm nearly deaf in one ear and aching in the other for over 3 weeks. When I saw the doctor I asked what could be done. I've put every thing over the counter into the ears to clear out the wax, done self flushes with bulb syringes and drops for pain.

After the Doctor looks into my ears and says I need major cleaning ,  declaring it a painful and lengthy process, I agree and submit. How dreadful that I'm unable to clean my own ears!  After 3 hours of drops, soaking, flushing repeatedly, and a nurse with gritted teeth and determination to bring brain matter and wax out of the ear or push it through to the other side,  I called it quits after regaining muffled hearing in the deaf ear. Now sound come from behind me. Strange but its like the noise is started in front and it's arched around to the back. Maybe after all that messing around with the ear canals, they were diverted to the back of my head?  I'm like a cat. . . sitting quiet and peaceful then whipping my head to the side when there's a sound with big eyes-"What's that noise?".
 Yesterday there was a deep rumble and vibration so I thought San Andreas was parting California from the union, but it was the construction trucks next door and weird that it was so much louder inside my head than it really was.
I was directed to continue to swim every day but to keep my ears out of the water. 10 gallons of water have already been forcefully pushed into the ears by the nurse. Really! Not possible.  What would be the point? I do my best strokes under water. I swear that if I shake my head I can hear the water sloshing in there like a water bottle.
 For now, I'll walk around and be chased by the sounds. At least I can hear something! I can definitely hear myself very clearly-Isn't that what really matters? -My voice is most unpleasant and nasally- Has it always been like that? . . . just can't hear any one else! Absolutely have lost the higher pitched noises like the phone or doorbell so friends, stop any hurt feelings if you feel you've been slighted or ignored. Try banging on the door. Captain will come and get me.
I need an ear trumpet. That might work for me as a temporary aide.
  If you want to talk,  tap me on the shoulder and stand behind me so I can hear every word . If you are successful reaching me by phone, I'll hold the receiver to the back of my head.
Where is Verizon! - "Can you hear me now?"