.,,,....if I had an extra 60 grand and a sugar daddy. . .

I love the "free" breakfast buffets at hotels, even if its just cereal and coffee. It saves me the trouble of searching out my mug of caffeine and something to munch on with the hand full of stayin' alive pills. The last hotel we stayed out combined its Lobby, Concierge desk, patio and dining nook. It wasn't expansive but done tastefully and open air like many of the hotels in the Hawaiian islands are to make the most of the ocean view and sunsets at night.

We were enjoying a peaceful breakfast overlooking the Pacific ocean and listening to the waves crash ashore, along with several other guests, when the quiet is disrupted by a wide mouthed woman decked out in her white capris, white gauzy shirt, sunglasses, orange hat and West Hollywood accessories as she declares to her public gathered that this day is her birthday. We all nod and wish her the best, "many  happy returns of the day", etc. .  The concierge takes it up a notch, clapping for her and declaring her a breath of fresh air and a delight to all, then breaking into song and a little dance step.

"You look so young! How old are you today?" declares the concierge.
Mrs. Birthday- "Just guess! I have 2 children and 1 of them is 50 years old!!!"

In my head I've already calculated that she is nearing 70 and if she's not, then she's a liar.

The concierge-"Oh my gosh! I couldn't even guess!! Are you 55?" "58?"

I'm rolling my eyes at Mr. Man, as the birthday woman confesses she is 65! (I still think more like 70 and recovering from a young adult hood lived a little too hard and fast)

Concierge says, "Oh for heaven's sake! What is your secret? You must tell us all and share it! You are so young looking and I never would have guessed you to be a senior citizen!!" She gestures expansively to include the dining room in general , as if we are sitting on the edge of our seats to know 'the secret'.

Really? Do you know many seniors who have size 40 breasts still perky without a cast iron mesh bra , no frown lines, no smile lines and a face that appears pulled tight as an overflated balloon?

The conversation gets louder and louder as the birthday "girl"  starts getting downright giddy over her compliments about her young new face and not quite able to smile fully because it is so new!

Again, concierge announces to us in the room to listen up because we are about to learn all about the secret to ageless, wrinkle free beauty . . . . I murmur to Mr. Man I could look 18 years old again  if I had an extra 60 grand and  a sugar daddy to GO FUND  me for extensive plastic surgery and up-keep! I guess the group of us sitting in the dining area looked old and decrepit compared to Mrs. Birthday!!

B-day lady starts telling us about how she drinks pomegranate juice and always moisturizes around her eyes every night. Bile bubbling into my throat at this B.S. and ruining my peaceful breakfast, we opt out of the morning lecture and continuing gushing comments from the concierge. It's a mass exodus of the diners; me in the lead, grabbing a To Go tray, heaping our left overs on it and high tailing it back to the quiet privacy of our room with a spectacular view where we decide the remainder of our morning meals will be taken while we're at this hotel.

If its your birthday, I wish you best wishes, fun times, joyful memories and always a cake with candles for wishes at the end of your day. Please spare me the "secret of your youth speech". If you've had a little work, a few nips or tucks here and there, a lift and rearrangement of some of those body parts trying to run south,  good for you. Own it though. Don't declare pomegranate juice and Oil of Olay as your secret to endless youth. If you do and hear a sneezing/cough covering up a declaration of "Bull Pucky", it's probably me in the corner and this is me writing about you.