December 1,It was delightful to spend the fall holiday with you and eat until our stomachs could eat no more.
I thought your idea to continue our merriment together throughout the rest of the year by resurrecting the tradition of the Twelve days of Christmas especially appealing. What fun it will be to buy each other a small trinket each day to extend our celebration of Christmas.
As previously discussed, beginning our celebration on the 26th of December and concluding it on January 6th is perfect and I will add these festivities to my calendar.
I look forward to seeing you for dinner December 26 at 7 p.m. for an intimate dinner and gift exchange.
Fondly and lovingly,
Miss Lorena Bell
December 18
Dearest Mr. Wellington,
I am just confirming our date and time for our celebratory dinner , December 26 at 7 in the evening.
Dress will be informal.
Looking forward to laughing and toasting our friendship together.
Very fondly yours,
Miss Lorena Bell
December 27
Dearest Mr. Wellington,
What a delightful evening! Especially surprising was your unique gifting of the beautiful partridge in a pear tree. It looks particularly festive in the conservatory, but I had to untie the partridge from its confinement on its branch so it could move around a bit. The dear bird seemed grateful and I want you to know that I am delighted with such a thoughtful gift. I hope you enjoyed the small leather journal I gifted to you. I look forward to seeing you in a fortnight to thank you in person once again. I have messengered your next day gift so you should be receiving it soon.
Delighted and fondly yours,
Miss Lorena Bell
December 28
Dear Mr. Wellington,
I thank you for your gift of two turtledoves but I feel there must have been an error at the parcel service as I received another pair today in addition to yesterdays, along with 2 more partridges in trees. I feel this is quite enough and you have more than fulfilled our requirement for the twelve gifts of Christmas so let us forgo any more exchanges and I thank you for the birds and trees. The Conservatory is full enough. Thank you for understanding and please cancel any further deliveries of birds.
Fondly,
Miss Lorena Bell
December 29,
Dear Mr. Wellington,
I believe I was quite clear about receiving any further birds. The Pear trees are now occupying the outside patio and I have released the partridges to fly about at will outdoors. The Turtle doves , who were quite quaint cooing as a duo, are getting a bit loud now that there are 6 of them and 4 calling birds competing for attention. They are content to perch along the outside patio. There is no need to replicate each days gift along with the new gift.
Thank you tremendously and I hope you will take this in the very best spirit of the season.
You are truly taking this daily gifting seriously.
Fondly,
Miss Lorena
December 30
Dear Mr. Wellington,
What a surprise to receive not one, but 5 gold rings!
Although they are beautiful, I would have preferred the traditional engagement diamond if, in fact, this is a marriage proposal.
At this time, I must decline any overture toward marriage and I will arrange for the return of the beautiful bands. . . along with the additional partridges, pear trees, turtle doves , French hens and calling birds.
I have had the groundskeeper build a coop for the hens and partridges but their numbers are growing and the birds cannot seem to get along. None of them have any inclination to lay eggs.
Regretfully yours,
Miss Lorena Bell
December 31
Mr. Wellington,
Geese! What am I going to do with Geese? What is it with you and birds. I do not want any more birds. This is a modest home on limited acreage and this property is not a farm, nor zoned to accommodate farm animals of any kind. The birds are quite loud. The rings are welcomed but I now have one for each finger.
PLEASE ....NO MORE FOWL!!!!! The pear trees are being planted in the far corner, however they do not look like promising fruit producers and the Gardener says they may take up to 3 years to do so.
Stop all gifts immediately! I feel you have lost your common sense and treat our now, fragile friendship as a joke.
Pleading for you to stop and definitely no longer very fond of you,
Miss Lorena Bell
January 1
Mr. Wellington,
Mr. Wellington,
Swans?!! Really! I explicitly stated NO MORE Fowl or BIRDS! Swans are finicky and require special care. I know for a fact that they require regulation in this state! They have taken up residence in my pool and fight the geese for water access. My patio is covered in bird droppings. The Turtle doves are looking peaked because they require specialty grain to sustain them. They are slated for dinner tonite along with a partridge or two if they can be caught.
Stop and desist!
Miss Bell
January 2
Wellington,
I have tried to keep the gates locked and access to my property restricted to any further deliveries from you. The 8 Milk Maids have arrived in shockingly inappropriate attire to expose as much cleavage as possible and persuaded the grounds keeper to let them in, along with their buckets filled with various birds . It is more than one home can handle. I am afraid to call the authorities because I am certain that I will be ticketed and fined for violation of multiple zoning laws and for Audubon cruelty. I am having a goose cooked and feeding it to the maids who believe they are staying here at my home indefinitely.
They seem to be under the impression they will also be paid?
I am calling my lawyers. You will be hearing from them soon.
Lorena Bell
January 3
Wellington, you son of a bitch,
The dancing "ladies" are just too much. An insult to any form of culture or craft! I am sick of dealing with you! The house staff is distracted and unable to complete their daily work. The dancing girls are continuously kicking up their legs and half of them fail to wear undergarments that cover much of anything under their much too short skirts. The are now competing with the milk maids as to who can expose the most cleavage without nipple exposure. The maids have lost their shoes and run barefoot throughout the estate. Apparently the only skill they possess is milking cows which I thankfully have none of.
My pool is brown and green with a foot of bird crap on the bottom and we are shooting the geese and hens to feed these people who refuse to leave. Your "golden rings" are made from inferior metal and barely cover the cost of running this place for 1 day. The turtle doves are dead from lack of grain and the swans are looking peaked. The hens lay only 1 egg every other day , as well as the geese. The 24 Calling birds have been released into the wild.
I am suing you for mental distress and invasion of privacy.
Hoping one of the birds will find you and peck your eyes out.
Miss L.B
January 4
Bastard,
The 10 Lords are leaping over the fence and helping the additional dancing bitches and whoring milk maids over it too. The maids are too stupid, living up to their title of unskilled laborer. There is no more floor or bedroom space to accommodate all of these people yet they will not leave. The back lawns look as if an army battalion has moved in. There is a massive bond fire in my back yard, stoked with the wood from your fruitless pear trees and some of my best patio furniture. Swan can be delicious if the correct sauce is applied but frankly, I do not give a damn any longer.
Wishing you were the one roasting over the fire.
L.B.
January 5
Idiot!
Pipers are not a solution and especially not ones who do not pipe the same tune. One of them actually has a smoking pipe and thinks he's part of a grand band! These people are milling around waiting for some direction as to what they are to do besides drive me mad and create noise. I can think of a few choice places for the pipers pipes to be stored and all of those places are on your person! The cook has quit, along with the housekeeper and the gardener. I am left only with the chauffer to help me and he has taken up with a milk maid who has a lazy eye.
The BIRDS!!!! I think you hate them more than me. You send them to an inevitable death by barbecue. The only thing the geese lay are giant bird poo. The calling birds call out mean chirping insults to the remaining doves and peck at the hens.
Why are you doing this to me? What horror do you have planned for the morning? I hope it brings alcohol. I am done in. Even my ink well is giving up. My lawns and bedrooms are ruined beyond repair . The stench is overwhelming.
I wish you no good will and never want to hear your name uttered again.
You are despicable!
L
January 6
You #*(^&$^@#$*!!!!
Drummers! What the hell!
They exceed the sound decibel restriction and I have received a ticket from law enforcement which I have forwarded to you to pay. Obviously they have only one rhythm in their repertoire and it does not go along with the pipers melody at all. If you had any sense at all you would have at least hired capable musicians with more than one song to be played. There is cacophony of nonsense 24/7!
There are now 140 people milling around the grounds, 8 birds left alive and I have sold off the rings to off set the cost of your "Gifts". Thankfully the Drummers, leaping Lords and Pipers have taken to pairing off with the Milk Maids and Dancing Ladies. I dread to think what is going on in my yards!
I am done with you. The 12 nightmare days of Christmas have concluded as well as my friendship and any further association with you!~
Do not attempt to contact me, mail me, messenger me in any way or come within a mile of my home. Your restraining orders have been served. I am closing up the house, evicting these strangers and leaving the country to begin the New Year without a trace of you or your daily onslaught of more problematic deliveries.
Never yours and glad to be rid of you.
I've changed my name........
No comments:
Post a Comment