Don't play with your food.

Far be it from me to ridicule the  poor person suffering from a food malady or wardrobe malfunction. I have been the receiver of many indignant and ridiculous moments caused by food or food related issues.

As I sat watching the other patrons at the restaurant, trying to catch a glimpse of their entrees to help me figure out what I would order, the rented patio began to fill and spill inside to the dining room. I'm not sure if it was a plus or insult to be separated from your party, but there were 6 large tables set up for the over flow (they had the fine linen and decorative candles on their tables). It was chilly outside and the propane heaters didn't seem to have adequate coverage for all the guests outside so I would count dinner inside with us voyeurs as an advantage.

The large table closest to me sat 8 adults. Their menu was a set course so everybody got the same. No help from them to assist my ordering dilemma. Even their salads were the same but it helped me decide that I wanted one too!

The woman facing me  picked at her salad, steering the croutons and lettuce around the plate with her fork as her tablemates chatted and drank. They talked louder and louder to be heard over the band playing. She seemed disinterested in talking to any of  them and she was obviously a single and having to sit at the end of the long table alone.

Let me be clear. I wasn't staring (too much) and I certainly don't want anyone watching me as I chew and fiddle with my food, but she was RIGHT ACROSS from me so what was I to do? My table topic consisted of how many hops are in the the hoppy IPA and my mind was drifting.

The woman wore horned rimmed glasses straight out of the 60's and had curly bangs hanging down over the top of them. She stabbed a large thick sliced ring of red onion and stuck it in her mouth but it didn't fit. As she bit on the lower portion, the top of the onion ring flipped up onto her nose and splattered her glasses with vinegar dressing. Her eyes got big and she stuck out her tongue to try and grasp the top of the onion but then it got caught on the glasses nose bridge. She was so determined to get control of the onion without using her hands or fork. She bit down on the ring, and started pulling it down with her Gene Simmons tongue and contorted mouth, looking very much like the camel I had just seen at the living nativity, eating away at it in a circle until it was gone. I started laughing when she purposely did the same with the second onion slice. Now she had my attention as I watched the new and improved technique. We humans are such quick learners!

She also got the attention of her tablemates. They soon reverted to preschoolers by inventing new ways to eat boring salad amidst what apparently was a boring wedding reception. At least the onion eater was being noticed. It was dinner entertainment for me although Miss Manners would disapprove of all of us.

I was finally drawn back into my tables conversation when I heard  "floaters" in our bottles of "new" water. Yeeuckk! I certainly paid attention to my own food and tableware then. . . and I was especially cautious while eating my salads sliced onions.

Attenzione con che toungue! (careful with your tongue!)